By: Cornelia Powell – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
In the midst of today’s harsh, mean-spirited social discourse, I love to find reminders of tenderness out in the world. Last summer, when commemorating the 20th anniversary of their mother’s death, Prince William and Prince Harry were featured in various documentaries and magazine interviews to illuminate and honor Princess Diana’s work caring for the disenfranchised of society. Both princes, in their early 30s, also used the occasion as a platform to talk openly about the grief they had covered up for all these years. “I think it’s never going to be easy for the two of us to talk about our mother, but 20 years on seems like a good time to remind people of the difference that she made not just to the royal family but also to the world,” Harry said in a BBC documentary.
Of course, there were many sides to this complex woman. Biographer Andrew Morton, like other observers of Diana’s life, declared that “in death she has been portrayed as happier, livelier, more saintly than she ever was in life.” Nonetheless, the authentic hum beneath the attractive, alluring surface—or even what some experienced as an “obsessive personality”—is indeed her legacy of “leading with the heart.”
As a preamble to Prince William and Prince Harry’s memorial celebrating their mother’s life, another mention of “tenderness” got my attention. Right in the middle of a backlash squall of politicians with closed hearts and glib hate-speak spreading their mischief, a singular kind of world leader spoke out. In a surprise TED talk during a conference called “The Future You,” the spirited Pope Francis called for nothing less than “a revolution in tenderness”:
And what is tenderness? It is the love that comes close and becomes real. It is a movement that starts from our heart and reaches the eyes, the ears and the hands. Tenderness means to use our eyes to see the other, our ears to hear the other, to listen to the children, the poor, those who are afraid of the future. To listen also to the silent cry of our common home, of our sick and polluted earth. Tenderness means to use our hands and our heart to comfort the other, to take care of those in need.
The Pope’s words could be considered an apt description of Princess Diana at her best. In the 1980s and 90s, she called for her own “revolution in tenderness.” Diana’s actions as a devoted hands-on parent in a stiff-upper-lip royal culture and a courageous humanitarian taking on “undesirable” causes awoke a ‘relationship of the heart’ revolution in the House of Windsor, peeling back layers of outdated customs designed to keep feelings at a lofty distance. Diana, conversely, got down to the bone of intimacy.
A woman who “made a conscious decision to dispense with formality very early on,” recalled former British Vogue editor Anna Harvey about assisting the young, inexperienced princess with wardrobe choices, Diana rejected the British royals’ tradition of wearing gloves to greet the public. “She wanted flesh-to-flesh contact.” Diana’s more kinesthetic sensibility and warmth, her direct eye contact and gentle touch created an immediate intimacy with “her public.” This personal bond shaped her memory, only deepened by her vulnerability and emotional wounds, and continues to inspire us today.
Whenever I read about Diana’s life, a “wabi-sabi” kind of quality comes to mind—a ‘beauty in broken things’ quality—reminiscent of how Leonard Cohen wrote and sang about human frailty, our cracked spaces, “that’s how the light gets in.” Diana was indeed lit from within as she extended a healing, tender embrace to those who were suffering, making room at the table for the rest of us.
Like many trailblazers, however, Diana could savor few of the earthly rewards of her own revelations, but a generation later, we see the effects of such a promise in the lives of her sons. Prince William and Prince Harry were 15 and 12 when their mother died, yet as young adults they both use their position of privilege to follow their mother’s heart-centered motivation in service to others, working for many causes that were dear to her as well as devoting time to projects developed out of their own compassion. Their work seems less about “duty” than a natural expression of kindness.
In her particular brand of palace revolt, Diana helped break apart the centuries-old, patriarchal régime of “duty” that frequently destroyed any notion of familial tenderness and personal happiness. “’Duty’ is a word,” writes novelist A. S. Byatt in The Children’s Book, “that only too often acts like restraining magic, to make a woman deny an important part of herself….” Diana’s sons knew their mother’s kind of magic and consider no restraints in sharing their own. “She was very informal and really enjoyed the laughter and the fun,” William remarked in a commemorative documentary by ITV. “She understood that there was a real life outside of Palace walls.”
During Pope Francis’ 18-minute soliloquy addressed to a world sorely in need of reminding that “tenderness is not weakness; it is fortitude,” he also declared that “tenderness is the path of choice for the strongest, most courageous men and women.” Speaking about how one’s power can be a “force for good,” the Pope suggested that “if you don’t connect your power with humility and tenderness…your power will ruin you, and you will ruin the other.”
I think Princess Diana’s sons are courageous examples of the Pope’s description, showing how effective and inclusive “power tendered with kindness” can be. In an interview with BBC News last year, Prince Harry acknowledged that he regretted not talking about how he was affected by his mother’s death for so many years. “I’d held it in,” the prince said, encouraging others to speak up about their emotional pain. (This was especially valuable in an emotionally stoic country to have these two charismatic princes, former military “manly men” kind of guys, talk about their vulnerability!) Because of the archetypal nature of royalty—where their actions are amplified onto a world stage—the therapeutic benefits of speaking your truth becomes amplified as well.
As Diana encouraged her sons, grooming them to be in touch with the real world, her remembered spirit also encourages us to use our innate nurturing abilities and reach out—no matter the circumstances swirling in our lives—to help tender the world’s frayed edges and, in turn, heal our own. His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama said: “People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.” Gathering their global reach and resources to help turn this dynamic around, Diana’s two sons and the vibrant women, Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle, they were smart enough to choose as their life partners, have become major players in this “revolution in tenderness.” Their Royal Foundation focuses on issues from perinatal care to Paralympic athletes to something called The Big Lunch project which “invites people from across the Commonwealth to join together with their neighbors in an act of community and friendship.” Putting ‘people over things’ in action!
I’m especially drawn to these young royals for their heart-centered awareness, the spiritual quality they bring to their work. It’s always refreshing to be reminded of beauty and kindness and, yes, tenderness. Not only to imagine a world where strong, open hearts prevail, but to follow the lead of an imperfect princess (and the legacy of altruism she carved out for her sons) and practice living with an open heart every day—then take a deep breath and watch as something quite revolutionary happens as a result! ~
[Excerpts from the author’s book-in-progress, tentatively titled, A Memory of Beauty: The Spiritual Mission of a Princess. www.CorneliaPowell.com]
Cornelia Powell
Wedding Folklorist, Fashion Historian, Author & Guest Speaker
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