Home Engage I’m very attracted to my fiance, but I’m also attracted to women. What now??

I’m very attracted to my fiance, but I’m also attracted to women. What now??

by Confluence
Reading Time: 2 minutes

By: Elle Stanger – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.

Q: I’m am planning on getting married this summer and I love my fiance. However, the closer I get to my wedding the more I’m noticing something I’m afraid to admit. I’m very attracted to my fiance, but I’m also attracted to women.


A: Many women are attracted to other women, and this is why plenty of sexologists and educators will tell you that “straight” is not actually the norm. Our society is often referred to as “heteronormative” because relationships between a cisgender woman and cisgender man are the most visible in pop culture and advertising, and those are most supported by mainstream society and our most prominent religions.


The pressure to conform to these societal messages lends folks to squash down or ignore their attractions to people of other genders. Historically, gayness has been viewed as: counterproductive to breeding, or as a waste of semen and activity. Gay stuff has also been framed as mental illness or signs of demonic possession, and our society still has a long way to go in terms of how it treats people who aren’t hetero. In turn, folks are often surprised, ashamed, or confused when their very-normal attractions interfere with their very hetero lives.  Animals also engage in bumping fuzzies or fins with their gender peers. If you’re afraid to talk about this with him, just think how hard it is being gay in this world!


As a queer woman who married a man, my attraction to women never waned. Luckily, I was able to share my attraction to women with him and we were able to enjoy a fantasy realm that included watching FFM (female + female + male+)  pornography, flirting with women in social settings, and eventually having a really fun threesome. I’d suggest you talk with your fiance if you feel comfortable in doing so. If you don’t, I would reconsider agreeing to be sexually monogamous with him until you die.

It is worth noting that there is a surge in middle-aged lesbianism, after couples have split and the kids have grown, so it’s worth knowing that you’re young now and you have plenty of time to let your healthy desires unfold as they may.


Elle Stanger is a queer femme sex worker and parent.  Listen to her award-nominated UnzippedPDX podcast on iTunes and find her at stripperwriter.com




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