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Q: This is embarrassing to admit, but I don’t enjoy orgasms the way everyone else seems to. I can’t say it’s not pleasurable, but sometimes I’m not sure it is. To me, an orgasm just feels like a very intense experience that lasts a few seconds. I don’t see what the big deal is. As stupid as this sounds, I’m wondering if I’m doing orgasms wrong.
A: Maybe not! Plenty of articles will tell you that women (and all people) experience orgasm differently; some people cry after or feel conflicted during – sensations of sexual pleasure can bring up feelings around shame or trauma relating to sexuality. Ask yourself if you have any negative experiences in your personal sexual history that might be making you feel odd about experiencing orgasm or genital pleasure.
I believe that most people don’t usually reach their maximum threshold for orgasmic pleasure during most sexual experiences – this is why people will take mind and sensation altering drugs like Molly or ecstasy to increase pleasure, or learn practices like kundalini yoga or orgasmic breathing. (I recommend investing in the latter) . I have more varied, diverse and intense orgasms after having them for about twenty years – because I’ve also felt free and comfortable enough to experiment with toys, erotic literature, porn and sexual media material, kinky partners that I trusted, and lots of fantasy discussion with myself.
So if you feel like you are wanting more, I invite you to dive deep into your fantasies and see what things come up, what feel-good fantasy are you able to imagine that you can draw upon later while you’re with a partner or masturbating?
The libido and ability to orgasm can certainly be impeded by certain medications too, so ask your doctor if you’re taking prescriptions if your Rx has any recorded sexual side effects.
More by Elle:
Understanding Gender and Sexual Identity: Gender Does Not Always Related To Genitals
Elle Stanger is a queer femme sex worker and parent. Listen to her award-nominated UnzippedPDX podcast on iTunes and find her at stripperwriter.com.
Elle is available for email coaching by appointment at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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