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How To Deal When Someone You Thought You Loved Disappears

by Confluence
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By:  Lisa M. Hayes – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.


It’s become a term that anyone who is dating is familiar with. Thank goodness it doesn’t happen to everyone. But it happens often enough it’s become a part of the dating nomenclature. It’s common enough a handful of my clients will think I’m writing this just for them. However, it’s a phenomenon that’s hardly new. Ghosting has been happening as long as people have been dating.

When you are involved with someone who’s been some sort of presence in your life and that person simply disappears, that is ghosting.

Maybe you had a couple of dates and texted frequently, and then it just stops without explanation. Maybe you were in a relationship that seemed to be on track for something more, and your partner quits returning calls or showing up without actually breaking up with you. They just disappear. It’s the kind of disappearing act that initially makes you think they may be unconscious in a hospital somewhere.

Today I heard a new phrase. Zombie. When your partner goes zombie, that means they haven’t cut off communication entirely. However, they aren’t showing up to be in the relationship at all. They might answer a text if you’re asking a question. However, they don’t initiate contact and have obviously disappeared in all other ways. This kind of disconnect makes you wonder if you’ve been dumped but leaves you hanging on thinking something else must be going on.

Whether it’s a zombie partner or ghosting, the same questions always rise to the top.
Why is he/she doing this?
What did I do?

Then the excuses start.
They must be busy.
They have a lot going on with work.
Or my all-time personal favorite: Maybe they love me so much they’re just overwhelmed.

I am not proud to admit, I’ve been on both sides of the disconnect equation. Having worked with many clients who’ve pulled the plug without explanation, I can assure you; the excuses don’t hold water, and the answers to all the questions are irrelevant.

Putting it very simply, and trust me on this, a man who’s into you will make time to touch base. He will text you from the toilet if he has to. Even assuming he is super busy with work, you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to shuffle you to the no-contact list without explanation when the going gets stressful in his life.

Either he/she is simply not that into you, having some serious second thoughts, or has a terrible relationship and life management skills. None of those things is ok.

When someone disappears you have to ask yourself, “Is this ok with me?”.
The answer should most definitely be no.

There is no one worth hanging onto who treats you with that kind of disregard. Unless there is, in fact, a coma involved any form of a disappearing acting is a massive red flag that means it’s time to unhook yourself and move on.

A grown-up adult who has any measure of emotional maturity will never disappear without a trace or leave you crawling on the trail of breadcrumbs trying to reconnect.

You get to decide how we want to be treated. You set the standards. The truth of the matter is you will always get exactly what you settle for.

When you’re pining away for someone who’s gone ghost or zombie, you’re setting the bar devastatingly low. It affects your self-worth. It sends a message to the Universe that just about anything is on the menu because your standards don’t require basic human decency.

When someone treats you that way, as much as you think you do, you don’t need an explanation. Everything you need to know about that person is already on the table.

The only thing you need to know is how long you will wait before you move on and don’t look back. The longer you wait, the more damage you’re doing to yourself.


More by Lisa:

Dear Almost Good Enough Lover




Lisa is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.





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