By: Elle Stanger
Q: I’m in a long-term committed relationship that feels safe and supportive. We have a great sex-life. However, I have unusually long periods sometimes lasting more than ten days.
Usually, we mostly abstain during that time, but I’m wondering if that’s a mistake and if maybe we could explore having sex when I’m bleeding. I just don’t know how to start that conversation because I do not want to gross my partner out.
A: My question is, Do you ever feel sexy or desiring of sex when you’re on your period? If yes, that’s a clue that it’s something you shouldn’t ignore, and I encourage to ask your safe and supporting partner what you just asked me: “I know that we usually abstain from sex when I’m bleeding but I’m wondering if you’d be comfortable fooling around with me when I am?”
There are ways to enjoy sex without having penis-in-vagina penetration; sometimes I tuck my tampon string inside of me and focus on all of my sexual body and stop relying on my pussy as the pleasure center. Your body is covered in nerve endings, try to find them all. This can be a very healthy way of breaking the kissing-oral sex-vaginal penetration-ejaculation routine that so many hetero couples fall into.
Or if you want to include your vagina when it’s ragging you can play in the shower. This option is also great for folks who are concerned about seeing lots of blood or stains. As someone who gets a period and also has sex with people who get periods, I’m not personally very arousable when I’m menstruating, usually because I’m crampy, gassy, or bloated, but that’s just me. I dislike the idea of a vulva that is experiencing heavy flow into my mouth, but I know that other people love it.
Some people find that bloody mucus or clotting doesn’t bother them, some folks love incorporating blood into their role-play or kinky spaces. With this in mind, always be mindful of the many communicable diseases that are transmittable through blood, which is why all sexually active folks should consider whether their activities put them at risk for deadly viruses like Hepatitis C and HIV. In the last ten years of fucking I have taken four blood tests through Planned Parenthood or my primary care physician, I encourage you to #knowyourstatus. I encourage that you and your partner know your status and already communicate about STI prevention at some point during your relationship, hopefully at the beginning.
And puh-leaze don’t let your partner judge you for asking this, or they lose status as “safe and supportive”.
More from Elle:
I’m very attracted to my fiance, but I’m also attracted to women. What now??
Elle Stanger is a queer femme sex worker and parent. Listen to her award-nominated UnzippedPDX podcast on iTunes and find her at stripperwriter.com
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