By: Lisa M. Hayes – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
There is an unofficial competition on Valentine’s Day. No one talks about it, but every woman who works around other people knows it’s game on. It’s what I lovingly refer to as the Bouquet Cup, and even if you hate Valentine’s Day, if you’re a woman, you’ve been signed up to compete anyway.
On Valentine’s Day, flowers will start arriving at the office. Dutiful husbands and boyfriends will have them delivered. The desks of the loved will be adorned with fragrant floral centerpieces. The devotion of your beloved will be on display for everyone to see – or not…
Every woman secretly hopes their significant other will remember. God forbid, on competition day, you are single. Even if you are, you’re not disqualified. You are still in the competition whether you want to be or not. You’re just going to lose. During my single years, I had friends who would send me flowers out of pity. I appreciated it, but I knew what it was. The competition was brutal.
And while I’m sort of joking about how loaded Valentine’s Day is, like any other day can be rough for a girl who expects her man to to be psychic.
Cari was distraught. She got engaged to a great guy over the holidays, and she thought he’d shower her with flowers and gifts on Valentine’s Day because this Vday was special. He did not. Instead, he planned a weekend get-away in March and called it a Valentine’s Day gift. He didn’t even make dinner reservations.
Although Cari didn’t want to be “that” woman, she found herself very disappointed. She felt like he’d forgotten and hadn’t put in any effort. Cari’s office mate had been dating a new guy for a few weeks. As they were walking out at the end of the day, her friend, carrying her floral trophy, looked at Cari empty handed and said, “So, I guess he put a ring on it, and now romance is dead.”
She was kidding of course, but it stung. Although Cari pretended to be thrilled with the upcoming weekend plans, she secretly was letting the resentment grow, and grow, and grow. Two weeks later she saw trouble in their relationship everywhere she looked. Cari’s focus had shifted dramatically, and you see what you’re looking for.
After she tearfully told me how badly she’d been wronged on Valentine’s Day, while simultaneously telling me she didn’t want to be petty, I asked her one question. “Did Marcus ask you what you wanted for Valentine’s Day?”
She paused for a long time and then answered, “Yes, and I told him I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be pushy. But he should have known.”
And there it is.
Maybe Marcus should have known, but he didn’t.
You certainly can’t expect a man to understand what’s important to a woman on Valentine’s Day. Men don’t get the memo about the Bouquet Cup. However, most of them like to compete, and if you let them know, they often rise to the occasion. In fact, men love to rise to the occasion when they know how.
You can’t expect anyone to be psychic. One of the most significant challenges in relationships is that women expect their partners to be mind readers and when they aren’t it’s disappointing. Women do it a lot, often not even aware it’s happening.
Specificity matters. I once had a client who loved going antiquing in the beginning of her courtship with her husband. Two years after getting married she was disappointed they never did that anymore. So, I told her to ask him to take her antiquing.
Week one: She told him she missed going antiquing. He didn’t bite.
Week two: She asked him if he wanted to go antiquing. He said no.
Week three: She told him she missed going antiquing and asked him to take her next weekend. He said yes, and he did. They had a great time. He was more attentive to her for days afterward.
Why? Because she had empowered him by telling her exactly how to make her happy and that made him feel like a man.
Men don’t read minds. Insinuation doesn’t work. It’s not that men are stupid. They just communicate differently. Direct communication is the name of the game and women tend to struggle with that.
I firmly believe feminine silence is the foundation of the patriarchy. We’ve been taught to NOT speak to our desires. But here’s the thing: your desire is alchemizing, but only if you ask for what you want. Learning to ask in our relationships empowers us to ask for what we want elsewhere. Practice makes it easier.
Update: Cari sat down with Marcus and confessed how disappointed she was. At first, he was not too surprisingly confused. However, I got a text from her saying when she showed up to work the next day, flowers had already been delivered to her desk, with an invitation to dinner written in the note.
Marcus wants to win at making her happy. At least now he understands the Bouquet Cup.
Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
Confluence Daily is the one place where everything comes together. The one-stop for daily news for women.
