By: Lisa M. Hayes
One of the first questions I ask most new clients is this: On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, what would you rate your self-worth?
Inevitably, they will answer with a six or a seven. On a scale that runs to ten, seven is pretty high. Most of the time when I hear this reply I can take a pretty quick inventory and know it’s not true. Nothing has more impact on the results we’re getting in our lives than our own sense of worthiness. When something is coming up short, lack of worthiness is an easy and usually accurate reason why.
So, why is it that we think we’re doing better in the self-worth department than our lives indicate true?
Because we’re trained to believe it’s important, so we’ve learned to bullshit ourselves and everyone else about what we think we deserve.
A lot of times it’s partially true. Maybe you know you’re kind and compassionate, but you think you’re carrying an extra 30 pounds, so you’re still hiding a little.
Maybe you know you’re smart and good at your job, but don’t think you deserve a great relationship because your history shows it can’t happen.
Whatever it is, results don’t lie. You can’t fool reality into thinking you deserve the best of everything when you don’t.
Here are three telltale signs you might need a self-worth upgrade:
1. Someone is routinely talking to you in a way that is disrespectful or makes you feel small.
That someone might be a boss. That someone might be your intimate partner. That someone might be a neighbor. However, if you’re allowing it on the regular, that’s a sure sign on some level you think you have it coming or don’t deserve better or that you aren’t worth enough to demand better.
I’ve been there. I would have argued that point at the time. In hindsight, I can see how crystal clear and true it is. You won’t put up with crap from people if you know you’re worth more. There’s no getting around it.
2. You’re spending a lot of time with people you’re “helping” or “fixing”.
No one wants to admit they’re fixing someone else. However, people with low self-worth do it all the time. They choose relationships with people they can help, mentor, fix or take care of.
They do it for two reasons. First, it makes them feel temporarily important. It re-enforces a feeling of being “better than” or “smarter than”, which is a feeling a person with low self-worth craves.
The even darker shadow of that is you tend to believe the person who needs you won’t leave you. They will value everything you do for them. So, they should treat you well. The truth is broken people rarely treat others all that great.
I’ve done this one also. For years I had a pattern of dating men who were a freaking mess. Why would I guy I was supporting cheat on me? But you know what? They did. Go figure.
3. You have big dreams, but you don’t take risks.
This one might seem obvious, but it’s easy to miss when you’re in it. If you’ve got things you want to do in your life, big or small, but you’re afraid of taking even small steps to get there, you’ve got some sort of self-worth issue flowing in spades.
Confident people aren’t afraid to fail. They don’t want to, but they rarely do. They rarely fail, partially because they define failure very differently. It’s easier for them to find successes in non-traditional ways.
If you’re always dreaming about being someone different or doing something else, but every day feels like Groundhog day, you’re going to need to so some self-worth rehab because when you believe you really deserve good things, you’ll go for them.
Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
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