By: Lisa M. Hayes – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
Dear Lisa,
My husband and I have been married for three years. Last week was our third anniversary. Want to know how we celebrated? Pizza night. Now don’t get me wrong. I know everyone loves pizza. I was just hoping for something a little more exciting. The thing is, our relationship has lost its spark. How do you fix a boring relationship?
We don’t really fight much. He’s still a great guy. I’m still a great gal. We just aren’t really connected anymore. I miss the early days in of our relationship before we got married when we were all over each other and looked forward to anytime we could be together. These days our “quality time” is spent in the bathroom in the morning while he’s in the shower and I’m curling my hair. We get five minutes to talk about who’s picking up the dry cleaning or whether or not I remembered to make the car payment.
We don’t have children. We’re talking about trying. I’m just afraid that if we’ve drifted this far apart now, putting a child in between us will make things worse. He thinks parenting will bring us closer together.
Help!
Suzanne
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Dear Suzanne,
I think you’re right on about one thing. Adding children to the mix never fixes anything that’s already broken. Children just magnify what’s already happening in a relationship, for better or for worse. So, you’re smart to address any issues before a baby arrives.
I love that you’re noticing how uncomfortable it is to be in a stale relationship. It means you think something needs fixing. Many people just expect the passion to decline over time and don’t do anything. However, you and I both know, if you aren’t satisfied in your marriage something is wrong. The good news is, one person making some changes can make a huge impact on the overall passion level in a relationship.
Here are two steps you can take right now to get the fire burning again.
#1. You start today being more interesting. Think about the woman he fell in love with. Chances are she’s long gone. Are you still pursuing your own passions? Are you still enjoying friendships outside your relationship that stimulate you? Are you still growing and learning?
If all you have to talk about is dry cleaning and bills you should make it a priority to be doing or learning something interesting to bring to the table. The first step to fixing anything always starts with you. In this case, the fixing is fun. Basically, you probably need to be having more fun so you have some of that kind of energy to inject into your relationship.
Waiting for your relationship to relieve your boredom will never work. You have to be the spark that starts the fire.
#2. Relationship Success Tip 101 – Stop thinking about being his wife and start behaving like his lover. The two most dangerous ruts a couple can get into are the “business partner” rut and the “roommates rut”. It sounds like you might be in the roomie zone. Roommates have pizza night. Lovers do something else.
Often times we wait for the feelings to shift to inspire us to behave differently. Thinking you’ll be more romantic when you’re inspired by feeling more passionate might be a flawed way of thinking. Start behaving your way to more passion today. Hold his hand. Hug and touch more.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY, START DATING YOUR HUSBAND AGAIN. Dating shouldn’t end at “I do.” Dating should begin when courtship ends. That’s the only way to sustain a passionate relationship.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to how we prioritize our time, money, and energy. If you invest in yourself first and then commit to investing in your relationship consistently, you’ll be back on track in no time.
Big love,
Lisa
*This reader letter was posted with permission and names have been changed.
