By: Lisa M. Hayes – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
THE STANDARDS WE SET FOR OTHERS IN OUR LIVES ARE A VERY RELIABLE INDICATOR OF OUR SELF-WORTH.
He did it as a courtesy to me, but I immediately wished he hadn’t. I walked into work one day and a long time co-worker told me he’d emailed my boyfriend and invited him to his bachelor party. It wasn’t just one evening of potential catastrophe. It was a weekend long get away with the boys. I was secretly horrified.
Before they left on the weekend trip, we had a very predictable conversation. At first, I tried to talk my boyfriend out of going. I told him I knew a lot of the people who would be going, and they weren’t that much fun. I said most of them were churchgoers. This wasn’t going to be a typical bachelor party. I tried to convince him there might be a lot of praying some bible studies. He didn’t buy it.
Then I begged him not to drink too much. I implored him to be civil. I knew chances of that were pretty slim. I knew he would get trashed, and I knew what it might look like.
Monday morning the report came in from my co-worker. I got emails from other friends who’d attended the party.
It was bad, as in appalling. It was beyond my greatest fears about his behavior, and my expectations were sub-zero to start with. He didn’t do one horrible thing. He managed to pull off several unspeakable stunts. He said a few dozen things no human should ever utter including several things about the bride to be.
All of it culminated with him peeing in a water bottle in the car because he was too drunk to hold it. Then he shook up the bottle and let it fly all over everyone in the car.
Yes, that happened. Yes, it was my boyfriend. Yes, I continued to date him.
I’m surprised we were still invited to the wedding but when we went several people didn’t speak to us. I wasn’t anywhere near that party, but I was guilty by association with this asshole.
This happened more times than I care to admit. Most of the time he was tolerable. However, sometimes he would say the most disrespectful things. Sometimes he would get aggressive with other people. Sometimes he would be openly rude in front of my friends and family. Occasionally he was terribly abusive to me.
He drank too much. He cared too little. He did nothing to improve himself. He was a horrible human. It was a mess. I was a mess. My asshole, unemployed boyfriend, was a trainwreck.
That was then. I wouldn’t go out to lunch with a man like that now, let alone share a life with him.
This afternoon I was having a conversation with a client where I explained to her why I would never date an unemployed, or underemployed man.
It’s not about the money. A man has to be doing something with himself to be worth my time. It’s about what having a career, a vocation or a calling says about the quality of a man you might date.
That man commits. That man is educated. That man contributes to something. That man is there for other people. That man is probably adulting like a boss. I firmly believe every woman deserves a man who can and will take care of her.
Income level is not the thing. Contribution, connection, and commitment are everything.
The client wanted to buy into that but couldn’t let herself admit it because she didn’t want to be thought of as materialistic. She didn’t want to let a good one going through a bad patch get away. She said she didn’t want to be judgemental.
I wouldn’t call it judgmental. I would call it decerning. I can be that decerning now. I couldn’t before. I didn’t have one ounce of self-respect. Times have changed. My standards are much, much higher now.
The standards we set for others in our lives are a very reliable indicator of our self-worth. We don’t demand better from others when we don’t think we deserve it.
There is no way around it. When you let people get away with things you shouldn’t, it’s because you don’t believe you’re worth more than that.
When I was dating that man who routinely embarrassed me beyond words, I had absolutely no sense of self-worth, as in none. It’s an extreme example. It might seem obvious. However, when you’re busy making excuses for other people your full-time job, it’s easy to be distracted from noticing how little you have left yourself.
We all deserve to be treated with dignity. However, until you know you’re worth that you will invite a lot of abuse into your world and wonder why it’s showing up.
If you’re looking around your life baffled by why someone else is showing up as a class one asshole, you probably don’t need to look any further than yourself for the explanation. Your self-worth is sub-par, probably really subpar. You’ve got work on you to do.
You can’t change anyone else. You can only change you.
Work on yourself.
Love on yourself.
Be with yourself tenderly.
Spend time with people who celebrate you.
If you do that long enough, you won’t have to worry about horrible humans in your life for very long. They’ll be gone before you know it. Because once you own your worth, you won’t give them the time it would take to have lunch. They won’t take up space in your head anymore.
More by Lisa:
Lisa is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
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