By: Sarah Normandin – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
A STEP BY STEP PLAN TO HANDLE YOUR PERFECTIONISM
I imagine that considering this title, you’re interested in reading about perfectionism. I know that if you are a perfectionist, you may expect that dealing with perfectionism should be a clean and orderly process. You probably enjoy being organized, you probably like things to be just so. You probably love Marie Kondo and efficiency and being prepared. You also probably don’t like criticism and not being in control. You likely want to know what you are doing and to do it the right way the first time. And I get it. I want that too. But life doesn’t always cooperate with our agendas. Life is often unpredictable, life is often messy. And in order to address perfectionism, you may have to be willing to get your hands dirty. Because wanting to be perfect usually involves avoidance of the real qualities of life–the moments where things may not look so good for you. Where all of your shit is right out there on display for everyone else to see. Where failure is a possibility if not a given, and you will have to try to shakingly stand your ground.
But like I said, I get you, we all want that magic wand. We all want the easy way out, the quick fix. We want our perfectionism to be gone, we want to be free, but we can’t do it without changing our ways, making mistakes and being human. I’ve spent years of my life trying to get from A to B without creating chaos, without anybody even seeing what I’m up to. My motto used to be “never let them see you sweat.” But I was sweating–a lot. And though I may have appeared confident, I didn’t feel it. This incongruence between what things might have looked like on the outside and how things felt on the inside eventually did me in. Because at some point, I lost control of both and the result wasn’t pretty.
So I can safely say, that I’ve figured out some ways to manage perfectionism. Through trial and a whole lot of error, I think I have a handle on it most days. Even though perfectionism and anxiety can feel overwhelming, they don’t have to be forever and they don’t have to be your undoing. Because realizing that you’re already undone can be the beginning of getting your act together or at least being ok with not having your act together.
First of all, it is important to know that anxiety is normal. We need to feel worry sometimes. It’s normal to feel anxious about starting a new job or taking an exam. It’s normal to be nervous on a first date or when trying something new. We need to experience fear when there is danger, but we don’t need to live in a constant state of fight or flight. We don’t need to be cortisol addicts. Ultimately, we don’t need to be afraid of our anxiety. We just need to notice it and take appropriate action, or in many cases distract ourselves.
Second, repeat after me. There is absolutely nothing you HAVE to do. Before you get after me about making money and feeding people, this is for those of us that engage in a lot of self-pressure, perhaps even have a tendency to catastrophize. There are some basics you may have to do today, but over time, I’m pretty sure you will realize a lot of your have to’s are actually choices, possible choices that make you unhappy.
Third–you’ve got to work on your thoughts. This can be challenging, but I want you to take a real hard look at the running commentary in your mind and write down the general themes. If you deal with a lot of anxiety, my guess is that those thoughts aren’t very helpful. We need to change these up ASAP.
Fourth. This is a repeat on step two, but I think it deserves its own special attention. Enough with the people pleasing. Again, enough. If you are constantly bending over backward to meet others’ emotional needs, stop now. Whatever you’re hoping to avoid—their anger, their displeasure, their rejection–it’s not worth it.
Fifth. Probably the most important step. Deal with your trauma. Find someone to help you with this. Be gentle with yourself. Sending hugs.
Sixth. Stop looking to others to alleviate your anxiety. Acknowledge your ability to actually do something about it. If you believe you are powerless, you will feel powerless.
Seventh. Accept yourself. This is crucial. Right now, no questions asked. You are perfect. Perfectly imperfect. Give it up. There is nowhere to go, no better person to be. You are enough as you are. You always were and you always will be. I don’t care what sins you think you committed, what inadequacies you may demonstrate. It does not matter–consider yourself absolved.
Finally, relax into the process. You will have better days and you will have days where perfectionism may be almost debilitating. But it can improve, it can be easier. Your mindset can shift and you can become more accepting of yourself right now. You can learn to tune in to what is really going on for you, because under all of this desire to be perfect is a greater desire for something else. Figure out what that something is and go get it. And you don’t need to deserve it, and you definitely don’t need to earn it. You can just have it. There’s nothing you’ve done that you need to keep paying for. We learn from our mistakes and try again. And everyone else is doing this with you. No one has it figured out–that is the beauty of this crazy mess. It is nuts, and chaotic and rewarding and sometimes exhausting, and the only way through it is to be willing to fail in a huge and glorious way.
Confluence Daily is the one place where everything comes together. The one-stop for daily news for women.
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Sarah is a therapist and coach who has been supporting women for over 12 years in creating lives that align with their own values. As a mother and a wife, she understands the complexity of modern life and how to manage stress while juggling many responsibilities. She believes in having fun, taking naps and saying no as often as possible. If you’re interested in exploring motherhood, imperfection and doing less to have more–or just want someone to tell you to take a break, you can find her at sarahnormandin.com.
Confluence Daily is the one place where everything comes together. The one-stop for daily news for women.
