By: Lisa M. Hayes – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
I know a lot of people who are single and looking who think the goal is to find a relationship. That is not an impressive goal. Finding someone to date is one thing. Finding some to marry is another. Finding someone you still want to be married to two or three decades later, is a worthy goal.
However, when you’re single, it can seem so challenging to even make it to the third date that it’s easy to lose sight of what happily-ever-after might look like. I know this because I’ve been right there. That said, if you’re ever going to make it happily-ever-after, you have to know what that looks like for you and focus on it relentlessly.
When you know what the endgame is and you’re keeping your eye on that ball, chances are pretty high the field will start weeding itself out.
However, there are still some pretty obvious, yet easily missed red flags you should look for. Any one of these might not be a big deal – addiction being the exception. That’s always a big deal. However, two or more of these should catch your attention and give you plenty of reasons to put the breaks on.
1. Pay attention to dating history.
If has been a serial dater, you might want to note that. If someone is 40 and has never had a single serious relationship you might want to note that too.
Some people look like they are in it for long term relationships because they think they should be, but they don’t want it. So, they cycle through the beginnings and endings of relationships over and over again but don’t do much of the middles.
Some people don’t have the emotional and communication tools it takes to sustain intimacy. So, even though they want it, it doesn’t happen.
When a person has a dating history that doesn’t demonstrate an ability or a desire to do long-term relationships, you do not want to ignore that.
2. Watch out for benchmarks of maturity.
You can’t really do relationship with a man/child or a teenage-level princess. They aren’t capable of doing grown-up. The good news is immaturity is usually pretty obvious.
When someone isn’t meeting reasonable benchmarks of maturity, you want to take note. A thirty-year-old who’s still living with roommates might have a good reason, but might also be seriously behind the curve.
Benchmarks of maturity matter. Someone who’s not moving forward and making progress in their lives might be missing valuable life skills. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who hasn’t done their personal work.
3. Does this person have long-term relationships with friends and family?
I once dated a guy who hated every one of his family members except his brother, and his brother couldn’t stand him. That should have told me something.
He had excellent reasons, though. It was believable. I understood why he felt the way he did. However, before it was over, I was one of those people in his life. Everyone was. He didn’t have to the tools it took to do relationships that were quality enough to last.
People who don’t have any long-term relationships often come on very strong at the beginning of a romance. They are craving something. They’re hungry. You’ll fill a need for the connection they don’t get filled anywhere.
Do not be that person’s drug. Don’t over-excuse a person’s ability to connect, no matter how compelling the story might be.
4. This person spends their spare time or social time at the bar.
Just because someone spends a lot of time at the bar doesn’t make them an alcoholic. However, it does indicate they aren’t investing a lot of energy in other things.
Addiction of any kind is probably the most serious red flag. We often see signs of addiction way before we’re ready to admit. You can’t be in a relationship with an addict. They can’t form healthy bonds.
However, even if addiction isn’t a part of the scenario if someone uses a bar as their social foundation, that’s probably not a good sign.
5. You’re going to want to avoid people who bad-mouth Exes.
Someone who’s talking shit about their Exes straight out of the gate is probably someone who is familiar with victim energy and likes to blame. This person may also have a tough time owning their stuff.
Sure most people have painful experiences with people they used to be in relationships with. That’s why Exes become Exes. Eventually, we share those stories with people we are close to. That’s natural. However, when someone leads off telling a story in that energy right off the gate, you want to notice that and take notes.
I have yet to meet a man who talked badly about an Ex who didn’t end up talking badly about me. I wish I could identify an exception to that rule, but I can’t.
6. They can’t handle their money stuff.
It doesn’t matter how much money someone has or makes. What is important is how they manage what’s there.
You could date a Doctor who’s always broke and scraping by. I know this because I’ve done it. Income is not the benchmark. Responsibility is the reference you’re looking for.
Money management involves a lot of things. Accountability, organizational skills, the ability to plan for the future are just a few. Those are the kinds of skills you want in a partner.
When someone doesn’t manage their money well, chances are high they are missing one or even all of those key skills.
Lisa is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
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