I was talking to an amazing woman a few days ago. She’s smart. She’s gorgeous. She’s successful. On the “Is she a catch” index, this woman scores very high.
She’s been single and dating for almost a year. She’s not having trouble getting dates with dudes that seem to be worth her time. However, she’s not having a good time. While she’s getting a lot of first dates, she’s not getting very many call-backs. Third dates have been almost nonexistent.
It doesn’t make sense. This gorgeous woman should have men fighting over her. She should be in the relationship of her dreams. She shouldn’t be alone unless she wants to be – and for the record, she doesn’t want to be single.
The night before our conversation, she’d gone out on a first date with a man she described as “awesome in almost every way.” As far as she could tell, the date had gone really well. The dinner was delicious. The conversation was lively. He laughed at her jokes and she was dazzled by his gorgeous blue eyes.
When I asked her how she felt about her date, she said it. When she said it. I knew exactly why she wasn’t finding the love she was looking for.
I talk to a lot of women who are dating. So, I hear it a lot.
“I hope he likes me.”
When I asked her how she felt about the date, the only thing she was thinking was, “I hope he likes me.”
It’s natural. We all want to be liked.
It’s also the single most disempowering stance in dating.
“Does he like me?”, is the least important question you could possibly have after a date. If it’s the question that rises to the top, there are a handful of things I know about my dater.
- She’s not fully showing up for her dates. She’s being less of herself. She’s trying to be someone more “likable” or “appropriate”. She’s watering herself down in an effort not to offend. Her date can’t like her because her date can’t get a read on who she is.
- She’s likely to settle for anyone who gives her the attention she’s craving. She will be an easy target for players and users who specialize in knowing how to get a girl on the hook with a few well-placed compliments to get access to her bed.
- She is outsourcing her self-worth to strangers because she hasn’t done her self-work. She is a people-pleaser and people-fixer, hoping to make people like her by making them need her.
What she isn’t, is ready to date.
If you aren’t prepared to be disliked, you’re probably not ready to date.
If you aren’t giving yourself the approval you need to be yourself, you’re probably not ready to date.
If you don’t already know how valuable you are, you’re probably not ready to date.
If you buy people’s attention and devotion by taking care of them in ways that are beyond reasonable boundaries, you are probably not ready to date.
Not being ready to date is ok.
Continuing to date when you aren’t ready, is not ok.
You can take the time it takes to get where you need to be. It might months. It might be longer. However, if you don’t, you will be dating in the dark. You will be taking your chances in a dating pool that cannot see you because you don’t show up to be seen. You could very well be playing in those shark-infested waters for years.
The two most important questions you should ask after a first date are:
Did I have fun with this person?
and
Did I like them?
If those aren’t the questions you’re asking yourself after meeting someone new, you need to quit focusing on finding someone and focus yourself.
Being single is better than going through a divorce.
Being single is better than landing a partner who abuses you.
Being single is better than passed over, over and over again, as yourself esteem slips more and more every time it happens.
The truth of the matter is, being single is pretty awesome when you enjoy your own company. You shouldn’t be dating until you dig the time you’re spending single enough that any partner you choose has to make it significantly better, or they aren’t worth your time.
When you genuinely enjoy your own company enough that you’re seriously hesitant to give it up, it’s probably a good indicator you highly value yourself and your time. Then and only then are you truly ready to date and lined up to attract someone amazing who will be really stoked you put your time in to be ready for them.
More by: Lisa
