– by Kitt Tvile
I have been jealous all my grown-up life.
I acted out in my relationships like a crazy woman and at some point…I changed. The change happened when I realized that I actually HAD a choice! That I COULD do something about my jealousy.
Jealousy is about low self-worth, blame and control. It’s violence. Violence in your mind and violence in your relationship.
When you’re jealous you can’t control your thoughts about your partner wanting someone else, having sex with someone else, or leaving you. Every woman or man that your partner looks at, talks to or talks about becomes a potential threat to you and you scan every room the two of you enter for those threats.
You measure every person that might be in the taste of your partner on a scale of ‘better than me or not a threat’ and if you perceive them as better that you – all hell breaks loose!
You start bitching at, controlling and manipulating your partner. You insist that you go in couples’ therapy. You get petty and needy and it feels like you have everything to lose so you tighten your grip on him or her. At first your partner tries to reassure you that they love you and only wants to be with you. As time passes they realize their reassuring doesn’t affect you and they retreat and give up, feeling unloved. You feel them retreating which makes you feel even more needy, wanting their full attention and love. Which makes you tighten the grip even more in the spiral of controlling and manipulating. Which makes them retreat more…Get the picture?
So, what can be done you might ask?
The answer is one you most certainly don’t want to hear. It’s also one you’ve heard many times before. You have to work on what you believe about love. It’s not him or her, it’s you. You need to love yourself first. You need to give yourself so much love and attention that you feel completely safe with or without your partners love. Completely filled with love from yourself. Other people are not supposed to fill you up with love. It’s the wrong way around. Believing that you ‘need’ your partners love to feel complete is not the answer.
And it’s not as hard as you think. But your brain will tell you it is. It’s the brains job to keep us safe and your brain will try to keep you safe by talking you out of stepping into this unknown territory.
It will say things like: “What does it even mean to love yourself? It’s just some fancy thing you’re told but no one really knows how to do. You don’t know how to do this. You’re too stupid. You’ve tried everything and this won’t work either. You’re doomed to ruin every relationship you are in for the rest of your life.”
That’s totally normal. It’s your brains job to talk at you like this to keep you safe. But the thing is… You’re not in danger. So, are you going to let these old, shitty thoughts run the show and keep you from having the relationship that you want? Or are you going to actually do something about it?
- Start noticing your thoughts when you’re jealous and write them down. Don’t analyze. Don’t try to be enlightened. Our thoughts in this mode is pretty pathetic. Let them be that. Write them down exactly as they are. Like you would extract data. No censoring. Do a thought download.
- Notice how these thoughts make you feel and how you react and live your life when you believe these jealous thoughts. How are you with your partner? With your friends?
- Ask yourself how do I WANT to feel? And imagine how it feels to feel that in your body. Is there a tingle in your belly? A relaxed feeling of heaviness?
- Invite your brain to think more neutral thoughts. Like: “Are the thoughts I’m thinking right now loving towards me? How can I give myself what I need right now? I can ask him/her to hold me. I can tell them that I’m jealous as hell right now and I feel alone and insecure.”
You don’t have to actually tell your partner about any of these thoughts. We’re not trying to talk you out of jealousy. The purpose of thinking these thoughts are to invite your brain to relax a little. To help it out of fight, flight, freeze mode. To let in some fresh air, you can say. And the minute you focus on these neutral thoughts, the shift will start happening and you can breathe again.
- Notice how thinking these new thoughts feel your body? You can use your body as an instrument to measure if you believe the new thoughts or not. If you’re not ‘in on it’ you’ll feel resistance when you think them.
Resistance usually look like this: Holding your breath, tightness in your throat or chest, or a knot in your belly.
To be clear. This is not positive thinking. That’s why we don’t ask your brain to think thoughts like: “I know he loves me. Of course, he wants to be with me – he said that a lot of times.” The reason we don’t ask ourselves to believe those thoughts because it’s simply too big a leap and our brain is not ‘in on it.’
So, for the moment. Think neutral thoughts like these and you’ll start feeling safer and THEN you can start thinking more positive thoughts.
I got rid of my jealousy pretty fast- It was not blood, sweat and tears like I thought it would be. It was more like a shift…and I arrived at no jealousy.
You can too.
Kitt Tvile is creating a world where every woman gets the love she wants. From Copenhagen, she coaches women all over the world to stop being jealous bitches and start creating trusting relationships. She has years of experience as an acupuncturist, reflexologist and thought work expert. Using a holistic approach, Kitt helps clients program their nervous system and brains to create security and confidence that becomes a foundation for a loving relationship and an amazing life. To find out more, go to www.kitttvile.dk
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