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Jealousy can wreck groups too.
A group can be any group. Your team, the workplace, a learning environment, an on-line group, a group of friends.
It’s very simple.
When jealousy is at play in a group this is what happens –
You see or hear about a successful woman (in your area of growth. If she is a superstar, ie too far away from where you are, you’re not jealous).
If a woman at your level hits her goal at work, gets a new haircut that makes her look too fucking good, or achieves something you want, you:
- Run away You see *the thing* or hear about it, you make it mean something negative about yourself, you feel instant resistance somewhere in your body and you’re off!
If it happens on-line, most times you click away from the post before you’ve even read it to the end, because it’s too painful to be with your thoughts about yourself while you read it.
In real life it can look like this. You hear about *the thing* and immediately judge her, gets busy with your phone or log out.
All of this is resistance.
- Hide On-line you don’t indicate that you have seen the post or heard, or seen *the thing*. You don’t like it, you don’t comment. You will check all the comments on the post from lurker-mode, not indicating that you have a serious problem with all her success!
It’s the same thing in a live group.
You hide, you don’t celebrate their success with them EVEN if they are your colleague or friend. Maybe you say a lukewarm “congratulations” and hurry off.
If other colleagues talk about this person’s achievement you feel the resistance as an urge to say something negative about them, check your phone, or your email or suddenly you just feel the need to get coffee.
- Judge – her and yourself You will judge her and tell yourself that she’s ‘too this or that’ and you’ll shame yourself and feel pity with yourself: “I will never make it, I have NEVER made it in my life. I’m such a fucking failure!”
This, of course, creates ‘Them and Us’ which makes it even harder to come back, be vulnerable and show us how you really feel. Because showing us that most soft spot inside of you will give anyone the opportunity to wipe you out and take you down!
We all know it is just thoughts, but they’re SO believable…
- Stop working towards your goal.Yeah…we all know how long that takes. How when we go into the jealousy spiral it can take days or weeks to get off the couch and back on track, if we’re not catching that it’s a THOUGHT-issue.
Jealousy splits groups because there is so much stigma around it.
We don’t come forward because jealousy is such a shameful feeling. And as long as we don’t talk about it – the stigma will not be broken and so jealousy will continue to split groups by silencing its members.
WHAT I DO WHEN I’M JEALOUS IN MY RELATIONSHIP can be transferred to any group or situation :
I go totally vulnerable…I just say it…And it’s not pretty.
For example, I say to my boyfriend: ‘You don’t love me. You’re looking at your screen all the time, you love your screen more than you love me!’
Yes. I let myself be that childish, because that’s how I feel.
Sometimes I yell. Loud.
And he doesn’t bite. Because he’s that great a guy.
He sometimes even laughs at me because he finds it so funny that I get jealous.
Which makes me FURIOUS!!!
And it helps me.
Going totally vulnerable, and him not biting, helps me move on to see that my thoughts are spiraling and say something like: ‘I just feel really unsafe and not loved and it hasn’t got anything to do with you.’
Which is what we all need to do in any group when jealousy is at play!
Go totally vulnerable.
In any group with trust issues, the members will stay silent if the problem is not faced head on.
Which will result in more jealousy among group members which feeds the feeling of not being safe to speak your truth. If the problem is not faced openly you’ll never see the group members being vulnerable with each other.
If this kind of jealousy is at play in a team at the workplace – what you need is a leader, in integrity who dares to go forward, address the issue and who will create a safe space for the team members to be vulnerable.
No matter what kind of group you’re in you’ll want that ‘great guy’ that ‘doesn’t bite on to your bait’ to be in the group. The friend that will coach you and love on you until you find back to sanity again. The friend who doesn’t buy your bullshit. But out of love: “You see? IT’S SAFE!! You’re safe in this group. “
My answer to jealousy is ALWAYSALWAYSALWAYS
- SHOW YOURSELF!
- Love on yourself by letting yourself being vulnerable
- Trust that the group leader is capable of creating a safe space for the group to support you in doing so.
And if the group doesn’t support you – consider if you want to stay in the group.
If it’s a work group maybe you need to address the problem with the leader.
Always remember. It’s YOUR responsibility to take care of YOU.
And look out for thoughts like:
- I’m never gonna make it.
• I don’t know why I keep trying
• She’s so fucking successful there’s no room for me!
• She should/shouldn’t______
• Why doesn’t ANYbody recognise ME?
• Nobody would even miss me…
They make you go into victim mode. And nothing good ever came from that!
Kitt Tvile is creating a world where every woman gets the love she wants. From Copenhagen, she coaches women all over the world to stop being jealous bitches and start creating trusting relationships. She has years of experience as an acupuncturist, reflexologist and thought work expert. Using a holistic approach, Kitt helps clients program their nervous system and brains to create security and confidence that becomes a foundation for a loving relationship and an amazing life. To find out more, go to www.kitttvile.com.
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