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“Be yourself to get intimacy and love back in your relationship” – you see that advice everywhere.
and you’re thinking “But how exactly do I do that”?
Here’s the thing to remember – he really loves you, you know.
He just has his own strategies to protect himself…same way you do.
And you two haven’t yet learned how to get past your defense strategies and communicate clearly from one heart to another.
There is hope.
I know it sucks – but if you want change…don’t wait for him to wake up!
So, first off all …if you’re having a conversation with him and sense that he is irritated, and you feel misunderstood and ignored/powerless…TELL HIM!
Tell him what you notice about his behavior.
Tell him how that makes you feel.
NO BLAMING OR CRITICIZING!
When you show him what you see him doing – and how that makes you feel, it gets very tangible for him what’s not working.
If he knows what’s not working – he can fix that.
I know I’m talking in stereotypes here – but if you’ve ever heard him say: “I’m a man, I want to fix things” that’s your clue!
I’ll give you an example:
You say: “Where should we spend our holiday?”
You’re excited and maaayby a little pushy because you just can’t wait to know where you’re going so you can start planning all the *things*!
You get an irritated vibe from him as he says: “I don’t know. We’ll decide when we decide…”
You immediately get irritated.
Your normal response would be something like: “I don’t want to wait. If we wait too long all the flights are taken. We should start planning now!”
Instead, pause… pay attention to your feelings, because ‘irritated’ is always covering over something else. ‘Irritated’ is a defense mechanism because you’re not wanting to feel what’s underneath.
So, what feeling is ‘irritated’ covering over for you in that moment?
- Feeling insignificant and being put in your place?
- Anger because what he says makes you feel like you don’t matter?
Telling him what you notice about his behavior and how that makes you feel would then look like this:
“When you talk to me like that I feel manhandled into stopping asking.”
“I feel ignored and like I don’t have a say.”
“It makes me feel like you think I’m insignificant and like I don’t have a say…and that makes me angry and sad.”
Notice that there is no accusations and blaming here. Which is key.
The MINUTE you start saying things like: “You’re just deciding that you don’t want to talk about it, I’m sick of you just deciding things – I have a say in this relationship too you know”
The minute you go into blaming and criticizing mode you’ve shut down the possibility of him being open to what you’re saying.
Nobody wants to be criticized…and men particularly are sick and tired of being criticized by their partner.
But when a woman womans up and take responsibility for her own feelings and actions – a man will follow.
Take the lead and get started!
More by Kit:
Kitt Tvile is creating a world where every woman gets the love she wants. From Copenhagen, she coaches women all over the world to stop being jealous bitches and start creating trusting relationships. She has years of experience as an acupuncturist, reflexologist and thought work expert. Using a holistic approach, Kitt helps clients program their nervous system and brains to create security and confidence that becomes a foundation for a loving relationship and an amazing life. To find out more, go to www.kitttvile.com.