By: Lisa M. Hayes – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
For many couples, it’s easy to spend too much time talking about “issues.”
What’s happening with the kids?
What’s happening with the pets?
What’s happening with the money?
And of course, the personal favorite –
What’s happening at work?
These kinds of topics tend to lean into talking about what’s challenging or what’s going on. They become problem-solving sessions instead of opportunities to connect. This is less than ideal for more than one reason.
First of all, your relationship becomes a problem-solving think tank and by default starts to orient around problems. That’s not awesome. Not too surprisingly, the tone of the relationship begins to feel negative for no particular reason.
Secondly, your relationship starts to feel more and more like a business partnership than a passionate, romantic connection.
Why? Because that’s what business partners do. They solve problems to keep the household and the family pointed in the right direction.
And if you’re in a marriage, or a marital equivalent, you know I’m right. You know that at some point at the end of the day, the one conversation you’re going to have, even if it’s the only conversation you have, is going to be that business of the day check-in.
I know I’m guilty. I do it more than I should. I get very utilitarian in conversations with my husband. When he walks in the door at the end of the day, I ask my husband what I would call the bridge question.
“How was your day?”
That question is the bridge into problem-solving mode. He starts talking about all the things that challenged him during his day and it’s game on. However, that game doesn’t create intimacy and connection. It merely firms up our business related partnership because we start dealing with the business of the day. That’s not intimacy.
It’s said the quality of your life is determined by the quality of the questions you ask. There’s a lot of wisdom there. That wisdom also translates into relationships. “How was your day?”, is not a quality question.
Here are five higher-quality questions you might ask your beloved at the end of the day:
“What surprised or inspired you today?”
“What did you learn today that I’d find interesting?”
“Did you meet or talk to anyone new?”
“Where were you most successful today?”
“What’s the most important thing you did today?”
Asking a better question doesn’t take any more time than asking a low-quality question. There’s no excuse not to up your game.
Curiosity is sexy.
It’s also really hard to fake.
These are the kinds of questions that initiate conversations more inclined to spark a connection. However, if you’ve been phoning it in with the, “How was your day?”, question all along, you may have to commit and give it some time. Your partner might have to start looking for more interesting answers to more interesting questions.
It’s worth it though. It’s always worth the effort to build deeper connections. Intimacy doesn’t happen without attention. A lot of relationships can benefit from more quality time. However, even if you can’t make more time, you can commit to being more intentional about the time you do have.
Every conversation and every question has energy. Being intentional with an eye on intimacy can make every interaction an opportunity to grow a deeper connection in your relationship.
You can do it. I know you can. You’ll probably have an opportunity to start today.
Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
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