By: Lynn Owens – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
So you are married, or in a committed relationship, and sometimes you just stop and ask yourself, “What was I thinking?” “Who is this person, and when will their transformation process begin?” “Have they always been this unevolved and stuck?”
Well, let’s turn back the hands of time like good ole Tyrone Davis.
Remember when you were dating, and you thought your partner was perfect! He or she could do nothing wrong, and you could be with them for hours on end and loved everything about them, and whatever you did together. Even if you did absolutely nothing, you loved sharing that space with this amazing human being. You knew you two could take on the world (AND WIN)! You knew your love and connection was strong enough to overcome anything, family, finances, career changes, even children, and the outlaws! This was your soulmate! The person you would take a bullet for, and you were determined to live a life of love and promise with this person. You get goosebumps thinking of how amazing things it was! The laughter, the love, the fun, the kisses, the giggles, and aw, the amazing romance! It was pure bliss! Unspeakable love and happiness that you savored, and promised to keep alive.
Fast forward to today…. you have changed in so many ways!
You have begun to see life through a different lens, and you are open.
You are outspoken and speak your truth.
You have changed careers as you realized your once dream career, and all the money that you were making was a bust, and not worth your peace and livelihood.
You are open to new ideas, and new ways of doing things, and love to learn.
You crave travel, and the thought of being immersed in a new culture makes you smile from ear to ear!
You are an activist, and stand up for causes that you believe in. Whether you donate your finances, your time, or post on social media, people who know you know your beliefs and values on issues.
You love your body, and every inch of Oreo cookie that has clung to you, your signature tattoo, and that piercing represents so much more than a needle making a slight puncture in your body.
You love yourself and spend time doing things that make your heart sing. You know how to love yourself in amazing ways that keep you grounded, happy, and feeling alive. You unapologetically enjoy your “me” time.
However, there’s the partner that you look at through the lens of …
Disbelief – wondering how can this person remain so unconnected to the all the truths about life that you have learned. How can they not see your transformation, and not want to me a part of this awesome journey.
the lens of anger – you have transformed your life, and are killing it! Your partner sees how you have transformed, and you continue making amazing strides. The more you grow, the greater your impact is. Yet your partner won’t go to a seminar, try meditation, read a book, or even keep a simple gratitude journal.
You look at this person with eyes of resentment and hurt. You are worn from trying to move them. You are disgusted at their lack of effort in the process of personal evolution, and you are ready for them to transform their lives.
Well, the deal is, we can only be responsible for our own journey. It is not your job to “fix” anyone. When you look through the lens of “I’ll fix yo ass if I fixed me I’ll fix you too” when are coming from a place of owning their imperfections, and judgment.
I have learned all too well, the anguish, hurt, disgust, and unspoken, gut-wrenching tension this mindset brings to a relationship. It hurts, and it creates walls of division and fear in our relationships.
Everyone must run their own race in life, and it’s not your place to own your partner’s race. This removes the beauty of growth and love for them and leaves you emotionally drained and tired.
The real deal is you must love your partner where they are today. Embrace every imperfection as sheer perfection, and focus on all the things you love about this person. When we look at someone from the eyes of you are not transformed, and you need help, that is judgment. I invite you to release judgment and comparison. Stop comparing your partner’s life journey to yours!
As a parent of twins, I can clearly remember them doing things developmentally in the same general time frame often, but not always. I had to honor them as unique, amazing individuals who would grow, and development at their own rate.
What if we gave our partners this same space and grace? What if we released all judgment of what they should, and could do, and embraced what they are doing?
Just as children develop at varying times, so to do our partners, and looking at a partner through the eyes of judgment only clouds our eyes of love, peace, contentment, and so much more. Just as we often have to give our children space to come to their own conclusions, and support them with love, and a listening ear as they navigate the waters of life, we must do the same with our partners.
Be open, and love your special companion whenever they are! Refrain from telling them how much you have grown, and just how damn cool you are. Instead model that growth by listening to them, appreciating them, loving them, and being the strong transformed woman you are. As you model and live your transformation day in and day out, your partner will notice the transformation. Lead with love, lead with patience, and lead knowing your partner is waiting for you to show up at home as you show up in the world!
Lynn Owens is a former public elementary school teacher and administrator turned entrepreneur. She has learned to use her savvy skills of deliberate creation to manifest her heart’s truest desires and heal her body. She found her true passion and purpose when she became a Life Coach. Lynn supports those who are stuck, frustrated, and feel trapped. Through her tried-and- true practices, Lynn helps clients get off the merry-go-round of frustration and lack, and step into their true purpose and passion of living the life of their dreams. Learn more about Lynn at
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