By: Christina Hayes – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
It was the summer just after I turned 13 that our family made the trek from New Jersey to Washington state. Our family had stopped to stay with my Aunt and cousins in North Carolina for approximately a week to have a reprieve from the road.
My Aunt’s house was gorgeous and huge. My Aunt had graciously prepared a bed for me in the basement. The basement itself was not altogether frightening, except for the section that was unfinished; the section in which my bed had been set up. Ok, we are not talking about dirt floors and bare stone walls strewn with dusty spider webs. Instead there were makeshift stud walls without the finishing touches of drywall, and a maze of twisting turning hallways yet finished.
Trying to sleep that night was a nightmare unto itself. Although I had just crossed the threshold of womanhood, I was convinced that something was under the bed, or behind the makeshift curtain, or down one of the pitch black crevices that led to some kind of evil abyss. There was something there in the darkness where they eyes could not focus. In those places where the light did not touch, something sinister and icky was dwelling. I knew because I could feel it.
I had only one recourse and that was to call ( scream ) for my Dad, who very quickly came to my rescue. My very brave and patient Father took the time to get a flashlight and illuminated all of the places, cracks and nooks that I felt the most frightened of. Although I knew in my heart that fear was “silly,” having the light expose the shadows really did fill me with peace. You see, prior to my Father bringing to flashlight to drown the dark corners in light, the small and ineffective lamb next to my bed was not bright enough to expose those areas hidden.
I remember this night so vividly in my mind as I write this. It is so representative to how so many of us live our lives day to day. You see, it is my belief that we spend a considerable amount of our time trying to hide from those dark hidden crevices that live within us. Just as a child fears the Monsters that live under their bed or in their closet, we too fear our own darkness.
I am not speaking about some ambivalent evil force that we see portrayed in Hollywood movies such as the exorcist or IT. I am talking about the parts of ourselves that we are terrified of others seeing, and we all house these boogie men. They come in all shapes and sizes and are made manifest by all different types of circumstance.
There is the Yurdumb monster with its hideous laughter that hides itself in our intelligence. Just when we begin to find success it creeps from the darkness to remind us that we are not smart enough to be wealthy, publish a book, or hold such a title.
There is the Bichoohugly monster. This awful creature with its snaggly toes nails and sagging hairy breasts strikes when you step out wearing the most spectacular outfit, put on a bathing suit or stand naked in the mirror. She has a raspy voice and has the power to manipulate our vision, much like LSD. The hardly noticeable blemish on our cheek is now neon red, the gorgeous curve to our hip is now the size of a gunny sack full of sweet potatoes and our naked flesh goes from radiant hydration to a dry wrinkling mess.
We know in our heart the fear of the darkness is “silly”, but the Monsters that hide in us seem very real. So, how do we go about freeing ourselves from these lurking creatures? We get a flashlight and shine the light on them. We expose them. In a lot of ways, this means exposing ourselves. We must be willing to own all of us.
Yes. You must be willing to OWN all of you. All of the things that you deem as good and call bad. All of those things you call mistakes as well as the victories and accomplishments. Think of it this way; when you walk into a pitch black room it might be uneasy because there is the sense of the unknown. What is in the room?!! Once you turn on the lights and see everything the “shock” factor goes away. Now, if you were to turn off the lights while standing in that same room, not only would you not be fearful, you could most likely be able to navigate it regardless of the dark. The same if true for you and I.
I used to eat my boogers as a child. I once dated a man that had been in prison more than half his life. I was not a perfect Mother. When I travel I get the poops. Yep. That is all me. It is mine. It is a part of the fabric that has woven this being I know as Me. There is nothing that someone can reveal to me about me that I do not already know, love and bless. Why? Because I made friends with the Monsters.
The Monster that told me that I could never write because I was dyslexic. The Monster that told me that I was ugly and not wanted. There are a plethora more, but each time one crawls or slithers out of the shadows I no longer coil myself in the fetal position under my covers. I illuminate my light on them by saying “Hello Monster, I know you!! Come on out from under the bed, you don’t need to live under there anymore.”
Christina Hayes is a witty and at times outspoken advocate for radical self-love. Christina began her journey into the realms of manifestation and self-realization nearly 30 years ago as an intuitive reader and Reiki practitioner. Christina continues her quest to be a beacon of light as a Reiki Master, public speaker and active vlogger.
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