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Q:I realize this sounds silly, but my new boyfriend wants me to be more vocal in bed. He’s asked me several times to talk dirty to him. I feel so awkward. It makes me uncomfortable and distracted.
A: It doesn’t sound silly at all – even experienced sex workers sometimes feel awkward when vocalizing sexy-speak that’s been requested from men. Partner sex shouldn’t always feel awkward, but new things or kinky requests can be stomach-turning if you aren’t sure how to address them. It’s up to you to determine if you’d like to dabble in dirty talk for your partner’s pleasure, because it’s healthy to make efforts for your partner, as long as it doesn’t cause you serious discomfort. I appreciate him asking for what he likes, now it’s your opportunity to be advantageous:
Tell him what you want him to do for you. “I’d like it if you stroked my inner thighs” or “I LOVE it when you rub my back while you _____ me”, or “I love the look on your face while you _______ “ , try to encourage your new boyfriend to touch you in ways that feel good for you, and coach him on how to do that.
If you’re comfortable saying things but don’t feel inspired to write them, read some erotica or watch some pornography and see if you find language that you like. If all of this is out of your comfort zone, that’s okay. There’s an incompatibility in desires between the two of you, and neither of you is right or wrong for what you prefer. Luckily, there’s plenty of ways for him to safely and privately get his needs met – that’s why porn exists! It’s rare that two people are 100% in agreement on what gets both of them off.
More by Elle:
How Do We Talk to Our Teen Daughter About Sex Without Condoning Her Being Sexually Active?
Elle Stanger is a queer femme sex worker and parent. Listen to her award-nominated UnzippedPDX podcast on iTunes and find her at stripperwriter.com.
Elle is available for email coaching by appointment at ellestangerpdx@gmail.com.
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