Confluence | Oct 4, 2019 | 0
YOU ARE ALREADY GOOD ENOUGH. THE END.
Reading Time: 3 minutes
By: Sarah Normandin – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
This is a question I pose to myself a lot – how would I feel about this if I believed that I was already good enough? This then leads to – how would act differently? What would I do more of? What would I do less of? How would I see myself and everyone else? What would change and how? If I believe that I’m already good enough, does that mean I’m ok with the way things are right now, even if sometimes they feel terribly not ok?
You see, I think that this is where a lot of our internal tension lies. If we believe that we’re ok, that nothing is wrong with us – that we’re not broken, defective, or deranged, then that means we also have to accept the current iteration of our life circumstances. And that can be a terrifying prospect to our human minds. Whether through nature or nurture, our minds tend to not like stagnation – there is a constant pushing for more – an underlying feeling of never-enoughness that underlies most of our thoughts, behaviors, and actions.
And this is very painful – this process of feeling never good enough. But it’s how we know how to get results, to get the job done, to feel good enough for a tiny millisecond when we’ve accomplished something that our mind deems acceptable, which usually means it’s what other people find acceptable.
When you really think about it, all the things we want usually involve proving ourselves to other people who are also basically doing the same thing. If you took a bird’s eye view of earth, I believe you would see millions of people running around, either mentally or physically. trying to desperately show everyone else that they know what they’re doing. It is a relentless pushing. It is exhausting – and in the end for what?
To have a bigger house, to be more successful than someone else? To have THE partner, or family, or friend group? To be the BEST, or the funniest, or the one who wins everything? It’s all really silly when you observe it – because we forget about love. Not many people say I want to be the one who loves the most or I want to be the one who really cares – and to me, this is completely understandable – because no one gets rewarded for being happy or enjoying life or having loving relationships. Those things are supposed to be the reward. We are supposed to earn them. And then we are so busy earning them, so busy trying to deserve a good life, that we can completely overlook the good things in the life we already have.
So that is to say – if you were good enough right now, could you enjoy what you have more? Could you be less interested in proving your value to others? What do you think you would lose if that were to happen? What does your mind fear it would lose if it let go of needing to be more, have accolades, to have approval?
My response to this question is, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be loved. And yet I AM loved – so how can I not see that? How can so many of us not see this? And how many of us use the feeling of not being loved to avoid being loved – to not putting ourselves in positions where others could love us and we could love them? In the end, we could blame this on a lot of things. But really, how many people would we need to have love us to feel like we are good enough, are worthy, are whole? Because my guess is that for many of us, there would never be enough. Never enough people loving us, to make us feel good enough. Never enough approval. Never enough, awards, prizes, houses, or partners.
The external validation chase just doesn’t give us what we hope it will. It remains a chase forever. And I’m all about creation, but the good kind, the kind that is filled with possibility, not a relentless slog towards being on top. What I want for us, is not to full out believe we’re good enough, but we ask ourselves how would things be different if we did?
More by Sarah:
Sarah is a therapist and coach who has been supporting women for over 12 years in creating lives that align with their own values. As a mother and a wife, she understands the complexity of modern life and how to manage stress while juggling many responsibilities. She believes in having fun, taking naps and saying no as often as possible. If you’re interested in exploring motherhood, imperfection and doing less to have more–or just want someone to tell you to take a break, you can find her at sarahnormandin.com.