By: Elle Stanger
Ah, if only there was a magic button to feel sexy, or a makeover that would do the trick. Even post-boob job and lip fillers, I still look in the mirror sometimes and feel “less than”.
Much like happiness, “sexy” is a state of mind that is affected by your health, the people around you, your sexual history, and the attitudes you have about sex. What makes you feel good about yourself? Does your partner reinforce your desirability? What did you enjoy about sex before? Have you ever enjoyed sex before?
You might notice that these questions that have nothing to do with body size, shape, or weight. If one major variable changed, your weight in this case, what are the other variables that didn’t? Which aspects of your current state might be affecting you negatively? Does your home feel like a place you can be safe? Is it clean and private? Are there children’s toys strewn about, or are you dealing with a sick pet or family member? Is your partner loving toward you and excited by you?
Couples therapist Yana Tallon-Hicks has a great workbook and zine for tackling shame or feelings of undesirability; it focuses on self-love and communication and in “Explicit Permission” she asks you to consider, “What have I learned about my sexual desire from the world around me? Who did I learn from? Did these messages serve me well?”
Please ponder these points, and see where you go next in this intimate journey with yourself.
Elle Stanger is a queer femme sex worker and parent. Listen to her award-nominated UnzippedPDX podcast on iTunes and find her at stripperwriter.com
