One place where everything comes together
Reading Time: 3 minutes So that is to say – if you were good enough right now, could you enjoy what you have more? Could you be less interested in proving your value to others? What do you think you would lose if that were to happen? What does your mind fear it would lose if it let go of needing to be more, have accolades, to have approval?
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Reading Time: 3 minutes When we feel like we need to compete for our place, say in our career or with relationships or any of the things we think we need to make us happy, we can get single-minded. We can push and compare and tear ourselves and others apart over and over until we have nothing left but fear and isolation. Because even if you do get to the top or are considered “the best,” nothing really changes. Your mind just looks for the next thing it thinks it needs to find security.
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Reading Time: 4 minutes Say you’re worried that someone thinks something about you that makes you uncomfortable. Instead of trying to run away from your anxiety, instead, ask what is this situation telling me? And what it’s telling you is that this person’s opinion of you matters to you. But why does it matter? It matters because you want to be liked and accepted. Why do you want to be accepted? Because it feels scary not to be. Will you be ok, even if someone doesn’t like you? What if it is about them and not you? From there, after you’ve answered your own questions and realized why the opinion matters so much, then you can decide maybe you don’t want to care. Maybe if they like you, you still won’t be safe.
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Reading Time: 4 minutes
Sit with it. That phrase shows up in the self-help vernacular a lot these days. But what does that mean? More importantly, how do you do it? It sounds kind of impossible, especially when something is really stuck in your craw. It’s like when someone tells you to let it go and you feel like saying, if I could let it go then it wouldn’t be a problem, would it? Sitting with it implies not taking action, not changing a situation, not working it out. This seems particularly challenging for those of us who are used to making an effort, who engage with life by doing something about it. Sitting with it sounds uncomfortable, victim-y even. Like maybe I just have to take this. But to me, sitting with it may mean that instead of running away from whatever’s after us, we’re hanging around. It means we can take a good hard look at what’s going on for us that makes us want to escape and the information we find may be priceless.
Reading Time: 5 minutes I gave myself a shit ton of grace and unfathomable amounts of permission–I let myself fully and completely off the hook. It was something I would be unwilling to do unless I had no other choice, but I learned to truly listen to myself and the messages my body was sending me. If I felt tired, I rested. If I felt overwhelmed, I took things off my plate. Seems simple really, but to me it was revolutionary.
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Reading Time: 5 minutes
So I can safely say, that I’ve figured out some ways to manage perfectionism. Through trial and a whole lot of error, I think I have a handle on it most days. Even though perfectionism and anxiety can feel overwhelming, they don’t have to be forever and they don’t have to be your undoing. Because realizing that you’re already undone can be the beginning of getting your act together or at least being ok with not having your act together.
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Reading Time: 6 minutes The last time I got burned out, it was pretty bad. Bad enough that I realized I could no longer function the way I had been for so long. The perfection I had been seeking was making me sick. And my body had been telling me this for a long time since my mind was hell-bent on not listening. I had to go back to basics–I spent many hours in bed, switching back and forth between games on my iPhone and Netflix. And to be honest, this was exactly the therapy I needed. When I was physically weak, my expectations of myself were low. I could kind of just exist. At ground zero, I was ok with just being human. I wasn’t fighting anymore, and I felt a freedom that I hadn’t in a long time. Some might call this a spiritual awakening. To me, it was a total release. I had to let go of everything because I was mainly useless. And what I had been avoiding, been so afraid of, the big failure, felt really good.
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Reading Time: 5 minutes I came to really understand this in myself a couple of years ago. You see, I’d had a pretty typical relationship with my body over my lifespan, things were up and down, but I was doing ok at that point. And then I had a health problem that no one could figure out and someone suggested that I try a really restrictive diet to help. And in my desperation to feel better, I cut out nearly every food known to humankind. I mean, I wasn’t eating much. No grains, dairy, legumes, acidic foods (so most fruits, tea, coffee), no nuts or eggs. And I was sad, so so sad. And I lost 10 pounds. And then I realized that it wasn’t helping, so I started eating normally again a few months later and I gained 15 pounds. I could tell that my mind was terrified that I was going to cut all those foods out again, proving to me that restriction, simply resulted in weight gain after the fact.
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Reading Time: 4 minutes In the past few years, I’ve realized this practice of repetitive self-flagellation isn’t really good for my wellbeing and it certainly hasn’t helped my mental health. I have spent the majority of my time on this planet focused on what I could do better rather than what I’m already doing right. I think that’s kind of the American way. Or late capitalism, or some other lofty social concept or maybe it’s just how our brains are wired. We use shame to motivate ourselves to do better, to be better. Always working towards some perfect iteration of human existence. One that unfortunately isn’t real, through social media would have you believe otherwise. But the fact remains, being hard on myself has only made me chronically stressed, sometimes miserable, and a lot of unhappy.
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Reading Time: 3 minutes I’m learning to celebrate the small victories. My son ate a bowl of homemade soup BEFORE he ate mac and cheese. My husband and I managed to get through a whole weekend at home without having adult meltdowns. I started walking my son into school again, because, well I felt guilty and sometimes it’s just easier. We move forward and we regress. That’s real life I think. That’s normal human growth. My life is a mess and I’m gonna be ok with that.
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