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Tightness Anxiety and What To Do About It

by Confluence
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Q: After having two kids in less than three years I’m worried about my sex life. More specifically, I’m worried about my vagina. I know I’m not as tight as I used to be and I’m worried sex isn’t as good for my partner because of it.


A: If you’re worried that your vaginal walls relaxed and stretched out after labor and birth, you’re right, they absolutely did, as nature intended. I had a 10 lb baby and was in labor for three days, and it did a (temporary) number on my parts; I was a queefing machine for about five months after our child’s birth.


Skin and tissue can be very stretchy, and many birthing parents like myself will assure you that your insides can and often do return to their prepartum state, or very close to it.  Regardless of whether you’ve given birth, your pelvic floor muscles and vagina would be very grateful for any kind of gentle exercise you can regularly maintain: Kegels are great for people with penises or vaginas, and they work the muscles of your pelvic floor, aka your pubococcygeal (PC) muscles. They provide support to your pelvic organs, including your urethra, bladder, and bowel, so might understand how these are multi-beneficial to your body. Kegels are simple flexing exercises that you can practice on your own time and without gear. Flex your insides like you’re stopping urine flow, and try three sets of 10 flexes. I do this in traffic all the time. In addition to building strong vagina muscles, it’s a fun trick to clench down on someone while they are inside of you. Gotcha!


If you’re convinced that your pussy isn’t tight enough, some people like using small buttplugs for this reason, because a plug in your bum will push against the wall that shares your vagina, and will certainly provide extra tightness. Make sure you’re comfortable or interested in any new activities before you try them! Check out Ben Wa balls, which is an ages-old method of practicing pussy strength. I recommend using corded balls so that they are easier to remove.


Your vagina will never, ever be as tight as the clench of a fist or the tautness of a mouth, so feel free to offer your partner various types of penis stimulation in the form of good ol fashioned handjobs or blowjobs. Two births within three years is a lot of change on a body, so give yourself a bit more time. But my last question should really have been my first; does your penis-in-vagina sex still feel good to you? Don’t forget that your pleasure matters equally.


More by Elle:

Guilt, Religion, and Sex Before Marriage

Inquiring Minds Want to Know: The Ins and Out of Period Sex

I’m very attracted to my fiance, but I’m also attracted to women. What now??




Elle Stanger is a queer femme sex worker and parent.  Listen to her award-nominated UnzippedPDX podcast on iTunes and find her at stripperwriter.com




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