Q: I am forty-six years old and I haven’t had an orgasm in almost two years. I’m having great sex, but orgasms elude me. It’s frustrating for me, but it’s really hard on my partner. I don’t have any medical issues, but I’m sure I’m in perimenopause. I’m beginning to wonder if this is it forever.
It has been called “silver sex”, and it’s the term that refers to the sex lives of aging Americans. About 20% of our population will be older than 65 by 2030, so let’s talk about sexuality as we age. If you’ve determined that there are no other new factors like medication, diet, stress, or injury that could be impacting you for the last two years, it’s probably your hormones. My momma started menopause in her late thirties, I recall her hot flashes, mood swings that made her feel “crazy”, and all that stuff she never told me about that I can’t wait to discover on my own.
Menopause seems like a wave of puberty but in reverse – hair growth changes, a person’s breasts and clitoris may shrink, and orgasms can be more difficult to come by. None of this means that sex is over but physical changes might require some changes in your approach!
A few other common physical changes in women after forty is the thinning of vaginal walls due to decreased cell production, decreased duration of orgasm and fewer contractions, and OOOOOO, even incontinence. Lubricant and Kegels are my recommendations for any person at any age because wetness reduces friction, and muscle flexes keep your pelvic area strong and more willing to clench during an O, and less likely to have an accident.
If you can purchase in your area or online, cannabis oil increases stimulation topically – it’s usually not great as a lubricant because it doesn’t provide *enough* slick for some, but the tingles are delightful and I can firsthand attest to this.
Vibrators will help increase your blood flow and can also help increase pleasure, and I always recommend that people cut out red meat and processed foods from their diet because this clogs your body and makes it more difficult to become engorged whether you have a clitoris or a penis!
If you’re not orgasming, physical intimacy helps boost your immunity to illness, increases your cardiovascular health, and helps you sleep better due to increased production of oxytocin and endorphins – drugs that you produce during any pleasurable sexual play.
Give yourself more time during sex, and remember that you have plenty of time to rediscover your orgasms, especially if you love your body and care for your body.
More by Elle:
Elle Stanger is a queer femme sex worker and parent. Listen to her award-nominated UnzippedPDX podcast on iTunes and find her at stripperwriter.com.
Elle is available for email coaching by appointment at ellestangerpdx@gmail.com.
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